Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Jobs for the dead

A newspaper report that the termnally ill are being given advice on how to get back into work has surfaced this week. The government spokesperson said, "we believe the terminally ill should be offered the same employment opportunities as everyone else."

But why stop there…

Dear Mr Cowthorpe

I was sorry to hear of your recent death, but thought you would be interested to learn about the latest employment opportunities available to the lately deceased. As you may know, it is government policy to offer the same work opportunities to the dead as to the living, and a number of exciting openings for the 'life-challenged' have become available this week.

Selfridges have a number of vacancies for the slimmer corpse, especially if you passed away whilst striking a fashionable pose. (Limited) expressions of interest are invited for those under 8 stone who pegged it whilst pouting, leaning forwards with one hand on a hip or indulging in a superman style 'legs apart, fists on hips' position to act as mannequins in our haute couture dept. May suit the longer term deceased given the weight requirements.

Arsenal FC
This well respected football organisation invite CVs from all cadavers regardless of race or sexuality - we are an equal opportunity corpse employer. The role is to join our largely silent and unanimated team of supporters to stand impassively behind the goal with a glazed expression. If that's you, please contact Joyce Fremlin, head of supporter recruitment (Bodies Division).

Note from UK.Gov. A similar position is also available in the back four of Wolverhampton Wanderers first team.

Government Departments - Highways Division.
The UK Highways Ministry have a range of national vacancies for Activity Observation Operatives to join our road maintenance department. Duties include; standing idly in groups whilst a loan digger driver moves earth in a laconic fashion; remaining immovable whilst a 13 mile queue of traffic backs up behind a row of cones on the A21; and standing in a hole staring into the distance whilst waiting for the 'right pipes to turn up'. Please apply to Fred Watts, highways recruitment.

If you or any of your recently deceased acquaintances would be interested in these positions, please contact our office by knocking three times on the table or throwing a glass ornament across the room before 1st March 2012.

Yours sincerely

Eileen Biggs. (Ms)

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