Friday, 15 April 2011

The Surbiton Surveyors' Centre Parcs Super Dry Epidemic

Elveden Centre Parcs. April 2011...

The infection started in the sports hall and soon spread to the restaurants and bars. Initially we just noticed the odd isolated case but before long it was obvious whole families had succumbed. The disease seemed to be more prevalent in the young but it quickly became apparent that no one was safe. Slightly trendy chartered accountants, 'still with it' fleet managers, 'down with the kids' dads and middle-class miwlf mums were all showing the signs.

The Super Dry epidemic was unstoppable.

Everywhere we turned, children, teenagers and old enough to know better parents could be seen displaying the symptoms. In the children it wasn't so tragic. The oversized, over worn check shirts were almost cute, the strange garage signage and references to Tokyo had a playfulness that made the underlying sickness bearable, But in the adults, the infection was hideous to behold. The washed out grey pigmentation, frayed seams and pink stripes all pointed to the unmistakable truth that their brains had been infected by virulent 'branding' and a collective 'lack of imagination. The fact that this was costing them an arm and a leg was secondary to the underlying sadness that whatever celebrities wore three years ago, the middle classes will wear today. And that's the real sadness. An abundance of money coupled with a lack of ideas will always mark them as followers - the cannon fodder of the manipulative marketing department.

However, as with the FCUK pandemic of a decade ago this will also soon pass. In fact the signs of a new and more powerful logo madness are already taking hold. People are already showing the initial symptoms of the ubiquitous Hollister strain. Give it a couple of years...

Friday, 8 April 2011

Hugh Grant: Actor, Charmer, Town Planner...

Thanks to Hugh Grant for pointing out the obvious in this week's Dover Express. Hugh described The Gateway on the seafront as, "that monstrous council block casting its shadow over the town and blocking the sea view". He went on to add, "most towns have bypasses, Dover has built a road to have lorries thundering through the middle. It must be the worst piece of town planning I have ever seen... you can drive right through Dover without knowing there is actually quite a nice beach the other side."

The disconnect between Dover and its sea front has always been a major drawback to any development or investment plans, and the fact that The Gateway further separates the town from its greatest asset is testament to a series of appalling planning decisions made by successive Dover Town Councils. Not just over decades - but through the centuries.

Why could the dual carriage way not have been sent underground to allow residents unfettered access to their beach? Why was it considered a brilliant idea in the 50's to build a block of 'luxury' flats that looked out of date the moment they were completed? This was just abject greed by the Council, looking to grab development money by flogging-off something that didn't belong to them - namely the stunning views of the channel. No doubt the people who made these decisions are all forgotten in their graves by now - but their legacy of stupidity lingers on.

So, I'm with Hugh. Let's bulldoze The Gateway... and while we've got the earth movers out, let's knock down Burlington House at the same time.

This Week: Dog Walking Live

This Week: Lambing Live
"...Join Kate Humble as she follows the Marston family in their picturesque Cumbrian farm during the lambing season..." BBC2 9.00

Next Week: Ant Watch
"...Join Bill Oddie as he follows Nigel Igglestone in his mess of a bedroom with his jam jar full of ants..." BBC2 9.00

Week After: Pigeon Watch
"...Join Big Dave as he chases pigeons up and down the alleyway outside of the Crown and Sceptre after a night on the Stella..." BBC2 9.00

Week After: Cats Live
"...Join Mrs Minton as she watches the antics of a ginger tabby and a one eyed black Persian as they fight over the remains of a KFC next to the bins..." BBC2 9.00

Ad Infinitum: Cheap Telly
"...Join our TV execs as they trawl the UK looking for cheap ways to exploit natural animal events to fill the prime time schedules rather than making programmes themselves..." BBC2 9.00

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Don't blog when you're angry...

...about the nursery gestapo charging you £130 for your kids' fees when they're on holiday even when you told them weeks ago that you were going on holiday and could they please just change the days. And no, they couldn't do that. That would be too bloody helpful and wouldn't make them enough money which is all they're bloody interested in - much more so than the education, happiness or welfare of my children...
...about greedy universities charging everyone the maximum fees or there abouts even the most rubbish ones who shouldn't be allowed to charge anyone for anything - yes, you South Bank University, who think it justifiable to charge kids (or more accurately parents) £8,500 per year for a crappy second rate education when Oxbridge are charging £9,000. The fact that the government lied to us blatantly saying that the average would be £7,500 - except nobody's charging that - they're all charging the full whack because THEY BLOODY WELL CAN AND THE GOVERNMENT CAN'T DO A BLOODY THING ABOUT IT!
...about fatuous middle class MPs claiming that other fatuous middle class students shouldn't get the same leg up they got because now they're all right on and down with the poor, aren't they Nick Clegg????!!!
...about the fact that said middle class MPs know sod all about poor families where the kids aren't put off by £9,000 of uni fees because £9,000 isn't even a sum that registers in their consciousness. £9,000 is fantasy money when you live with a family that's trying to save up £6 for a packet of fags, pay the debt collector 30 quid this month, putting off the rent for another week, avoiding the bloke in the corner shop because they still owe him £1.50 for the lollies the little-uns wanted last week and need a tenner to top up the mobile and the electricity key. So don't worry about the £9K Nick. You and Dave put the kibosh on social mobility the moment you killed off the Educational Mobility Allowance. Relax. Poor kids ain't going anywhere.

Don't blog when you're angry because it ruins you punctuation.

Friday, 1 April 2011

If the housing cap fits...

According to the Standard, "A £400 housing benefit cap also comes into effect today, sparking fears that thousands in Central London could be forced to move to the suburbs.
But Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said "some people could claim more than £100,000 a year to live in large houses in expensive areas. It's unacceptable."

Before adding; "Only MPs should be able to claim benefits to live in large houses in expensive areas."