The Duchess and I

I was delighted to see that according to this morning's Sun, the Duchess of Cambridge and I have something in common. We both have five changes of outfit to contend with during the Christmas Day - although I suspect for different reasons....

6.00-9.00 I will be teaming my baggy boxers with a pair of stylish black ankle socks in pure nylon. I am likely to complete the ensemble with a shapeless grey towelling dressing gown, the ideal outfit for a morning fag and cup of tea.

9.00-11.30 A change of pace for the grand present opening as I divest myself of my leisure look and switch to more formal attire in a pair of ancient leggings from the house of adidas, complimented by a fetching fleece jogging top. The button-down style will be lightened with a pair of Homer Simpson novelty slippers.

11.30-5.30 The sartorial highlight of the day as I prepare to wow the household in my daring collection of baggy-arsed denim jeans and shapeless tee-shirt - possibly with a humorous connection. In the past, this silhouette has been most successful complimented by an apron bearing the legend 'screw the cooking, let's get pissed' - and my philosophy is, once you've found a fashion style that works for you stick with it. This classic shape will carry me through the main activities of the day; going to the pub, overcooking the sprouts, drunkenly laughing at the queen and generally entering the spirit of the day.

5.30-8.00 As eventide descends, it will be time for another fast change of outfit. Evening games will be undertaken in a collection of sparkling new knitwear from Her Majesty's Marks & Spencer and possibly Matalan - offset with a sprightly paper hat worn at a jaunty angle.

8.00-12.00 The day will climax in a cornucopia of revelry as the esteemed family and friends get stuck into the Bailey's and Stella. This will require a final slick change of attire as I swap the knitwear for 'that shirt you've been saving from the holidays'. This will be the impulse purchase from the summer, a brilliantly colourful affair complemented by images of parrots and palm trees. As night time turn into the early hours, the look will be completed by sodden socks from the quick 'conga' round the garden and festoons of silly string.

Ahh, how like the homelife of our own dear future queen...