The Surbiton Surveyors' Centre Parcs Super Dry Epidemic

Elveden Centre Parcs. April 2011...

The infection started in the sports hall and soon spread to the restaurants and bars. Initially we just noticed the odd isolated case but before long it was obvious whole families had succumbed. The disease seemed to be more prevalent in the young but it quickly became apparent that no one was safe. Slightly trendy chartered accountants, 'still with it' fleet managers, 'down with the kids' dads and middle-class miwlf mums were all showing the signs.

The Super Dry epidemic was unstoppable.

Everywhere we turned, children, teenagers and old enough to know better parents could be seen displaying the symptoms. In the children it wasn't so tragic. The oversized, over worn check shirts were almost cute, the strange garage signage and references to Tokyo had a playfulness that made the underlying sickness bearable, But in the adults, the infection was hideous to behold. The washed out grey pigmentation, frayed seams and pink stripes all pointed to the unmistakable truth that their brains had been infected by virulent 'branding' and a collective 'lack of imagination. The fact that this was costing them an arm and a leg was secondary to the underlying sadness that whatever celebrities wore three years ago, the middle classes will wear today. And that's the real sadness. An abundance of money coupled with a lack of ideas will always mark them as followers - the cannon fodder of the manipulative marketing department.

However, as with the FCUK pandemic of a decade ago this will also soon pass. In fact the signs of a new and more powerful logo madness are already taking hold. People are already showing the initial symptoms of the ubiquitous Hollister strain. Give it a couple of years...