This Week: Dog Walking Live

This Week: Lambing Live
"...Join Kate Humble as she follows the Marston family in their picturesque Cumbrian farm during the lambing season..." BBC2 9.00

Next Week: Ant Watch
"...Join Bill Oddie as he follows Nigel Igglestone in his mess of a bedroom with his jam jar full of ants..." BBC2 9.00

Week After: Pigeon Watch
"...Join Big Dave as he chases pigeons up and down the alleyway outside of the Crown and Sceptre after a night on the Stella..." BBC2 9.00


Week After: Cats Live
"...Join Mrs Minton as she watches the antics of a ginger tabby and a one eyed black Persian as they fight over the remains of a KFC next to the bins..." BBC2 9.00

Ad Infinitum: Cheap Telly
"...Join our TV execs as they trawl the UK looking for cheap ways to exploit natural animal events to fill the prime time schedules rather than making programmes themselves..." BBC2 9.00

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Don't blog when you're angry...

...about the nursery gestapo charging you £130 for your kids' fees when they're on holiday even when you told them weeks ago that you were going on holiday and could they please just change the days. And no, they couldn't do that. That would be too bloody helpful and wouldn't make them enough money which is all they're bloody interested in - much more so than the education, happiness or welfare of my children...
...about greedy universities charging everyone the maximum fees or there abouts even the most rubbish ones who shouldn't be allowed to charge anyone for anything - yes, you South Bank University, who think it justifiable to charge kids (or more accurately parents) £8,500 per year for a crappy second rate education when Oxbridge are charging £9,000. The fact that the government lied to us blatantly saying that the average would be £7,500 - except nobody's charging that - they're all charging the full whack because THEY BLOODY WELL CAN AND THE GOVERNMENT CAN'T DO A BLOODY THING ABOUT IT!
...about fatuous middle class MPs claiming that other fatuous middle class students shouldn't get the same leg up they got because now they're all right on and down with the poor, aren't they Nick Clegg????!!!
...about the fact that said middle class MPs know sod all about poor families where the kids aren't put off by £9,000 of uni fees because £9,000 isn't even a sum that registers in their consciousness. £9,000 is fantasy money when you live with a family that's trying to save up £6 for a packet of fags, pay the debt collector 30 quid this month, putting off the rent for another week, avoiding the bloke in the corner shop because they still owe him £1.50 for the lollies the little-uns wanted last week and need a tenner to top up the mobile and the electricity key. So don't worry about the £9K Nick. You and Dave put the kibosh on social mobility the moment you killed off the Educational Mobility Allowance. Relax. Poor kids ain't going anywhere.

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Don't blog when you're angry because it ruins you punctuation.

If the housing cap fits...

According to the Standard, "A £400 housing benefit cap also comes into effect today, sparking fears that thousands in Central London could be forced to move to the suburbs.
But Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said "some people could claim more than £100,000 a year to live in large houses in expensive areas. It's unacceptable."

Before adding; "Only MPs should be able to claim benefits to live in large houses in expensive areas."

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...And the Dumb-Ass quote of the day goes to...ABTA

Responding to the point that holiday companies are profiteering from parents by hiking prices in the school holidays, a spokesperson for ABTA said, "Travel companies want to incentivise people to travel out of peak times, so discount prices."

The context of the story is that more parents are running the risk of fines and damaging their kids' education by taking holidays during term when prices are 25% lower. 13% of us did it last year. So, to summarise, according to ABTA, the holiday companies aren't inflating the prices in the school holidays - those are the normal prices. It's the rest of the year that's being discounted. Therefore, the only people who can benefit from the 'incentives' offered by the holiday company are people that don't have kids of school age.

ABTA's correct reply to Christine Blower of the National Union of Teachers comment that,"it's unreasonable for travel firms to cash in by hiking costs in the school holidays" is 'Yes, it is but we're going to do it anyway, hahahahahahahahahaha!"

In any other industry, offering incentives to people to break the law is a criminal offences known as 'bribery'.

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24 in a nutshell

Chloe will pull her 'I want pudding' face and furrow her brow.

A nuclear bomb will go off in a desert

An international terrorist will speak in a ham Arab accent about "ze newchleear matearalz"

Jack will 'be forced' to torture somebody.

The torture will involve some shouting and looking menacing before the hardened killer gives in under his threatening gaze.

Someone at CTU will open a socket.

Someone else will discover something important in a fragment of data.

KIm will get herself kidnapped.

There will be a shoot out in a multistorey car park

Jack will have a heart seizure.

All cell phones will always receive a signal at the crucial moment.

All computers will work perfectly.

Jack will get shot.

Some peripheral character will lose their memory.

The president will be either a wise saint or an evil monster.

Someone will contract a killer disease and have a limited time to find the antidote.

Jack will be stabbed.

Tony Almeida will turn up.

Someone will mention Teri and everyone will go quiet.

The president will distrust Jack. And then be eternally grateful to him.

No one will go for a wee. Obviously.

And an hour will be formed of 43 minutes.

Please feel free to add your own...

Born Anxious

Some people never seem to have a care in the world. They skip through life happy in the knowledge that things will turn out alright. Worrying is a waste of time. "Worrying never changes anything."

I was born worried. Anxiety is my default setting. I know it will shorten my life. I know it will cost me sleep. But it's not a life choice. Anxiety is genetic. You're either born a worrier or you're not. And contrary to what the unworried say, it can change things. Fretting over a problem can provide insights and ideas. It can give you the nervous energy to find solutions. Sure, I'd rather relax and take it as it comes. But there are compensations to being born anxious.

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Welcome to Comic Relief's National Guilt Day

How much can I afford to give? Well, if we all lived on nettle soup for a year, I could probably make it £20,000. But I don't want to live on soup. But think of the starving Africans. They'd be glad of a bowl of nettle soup - I'm a horrible selfish person. On the other hand, I promised the kids Moshie Monster cards this weekend. I could tell them to give up their cards for the starving Africans. Then I'd feel like a bad dad as well as a horrible person. That's what I love about national charity days; they manage to unite the country by making us all feel equally guilty about not doing enough. Sod it, make it a tenner.

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