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Jobs for the dead

2012-02-14T02:07:00.003-08:00

A newspaper report that the termnally ill are being given advice on how to get back into work has surfaced this week. The government spokesperson said, "we believe the terminally ill should be offered the same employment opportunities as everyone else."

But why stop there…

Dear Mr Cowthorpe

I was sorry to hear of your recent death, but thought you would be interested to learn about the latest employment opportunities available to the lately deceased. As you may know, it is government policy to offer the same work opportunities to the dead as to the living, and a number of exciting openings for the 'life-challenged' have become available this week.

Selfridges
Selfridges have a number of vacancies for the slimmer corpse, especially if you passed away whilst striking a fashionable pose. (Limited) expressions of interest are invited for those under 8 stone who pegged it whilst pouting, leaning forwards with one hand on a hip or indulging in a superman style 'legs apart, fists on hips' position to act as mannequins in our haute couture dept. May suit the longer term deceased given the weight requirements.

Arsenal FC
This well respected football organisation invite CVs from all cadavers regardless of race or sexuality - we are an equal opportunity corpse employer. The role is to join our largely silent and unanimated team of supporters to stand impassively behind the goal with a glazed expression. If that's you, please contact Joyce Fremlin, head of supporter recruitment (Bodies Division).

Note from UK.Gov. A similar position is also available in the back four of Wolverhampton Wanderers first team.

Government Departments - Highways Division.
The UK Highways Ministry have a range of national vacancies for Activity Observation Operatives to join our road maintenance department. Duties include; standing idly in groups whilst a loan digger driver moves earth in a laconic fashion; remaining immovable whilst a 13 mile queue of traffic backs up behind a row of cones on the A21; and standing in a hole staring into the distance whilst waiting for the 'right pipes to turn up'. Please apply to Fred Watts, highways recruitment.

If you or any of your recently deceased acquaintances would be interested in these positions, please contact our office by knocking three times on the table or throwing a glass ornament across the room before 1st March 2012.

Yours sincerely

Eileen Biggs. (Ms)

view from the fence...

2012-02-06T04:10:00.000-08:00

I'm not really a marketeer, or marketer as I believe they prefer to be called nowadays. I'm more of a writer. Which means I observe and comment rather than steer. I find you often get the best view from sitting on the fence.

Like today. I received an email broadcast from two of the people I admire. One is Seth Godin who seems to have captured the zeitgeist of what's happening in this new model of business that the internet and social media have been the catalysts for. And the other is Drayton Bird, an old school marketer and writer who has a lot of pithy wisdom to divulge.

Today's missives were interesting. Seth was talking about how businesses are getting better at targeting their customer. His message was that the customer isn't necessarily the end user. Nike targets athletes and celebrates them because they don't really have a clue who actually buys their gear. Similarly Apple only ever had one customer. It was Steve Jobs because he was the voice, soul and vision of every apple customer. In short, Seth was saying, as he often does, focus on your real customer and build your business around them.

Drayton was talking about the Pareto principle and how businesses demand to get more sales often means they ignore the bottom of the barrel. The long tail I believe it's called in SEO terms. It's easy to keep targeting the top 20% who make up 80% of your income - but when you look at the figures sometimes those loyal customers cost a lot to keep loyal. Whereas the 80% who don't buy so often can be much cheaper to get an order from. In a nutshell he was saying don't let the stats drive your business.

What I thought was interesting, was, that although these views might seem a little contradictory, actually they both point to the same thing. The old model of looking at the numbers and going after the easiest return is no longer viable. For businesses to stay in businesses, they have to work harder. Harder at getting to know their customers better, harder at finding out what motivates people, not just what socio-economic group they're in. And harder at thinking ahead to what all these diverse customers will mean to their product line, their service proposition and their brand.

It also shows you can admire two schools of thought - even if they oppose each other. Time to get on my fence again.

8 questions to ask before agreeing your website build

2012-01-23T03:34:00.000-08:00

Start-up businesses are at the mercy of web companies. Often, they don't know what they should get for their budget and what's good value. I've seen web design companies offering what should be the basics of a good site build as premium, additional extras. So here's a checklist of what you should get in your £295 microsite budget:

1. Ask how many hours design the price includes.
I recently saw a local website company offering '2 hours design' in their website package. Quite simply, that's not enough for a well designed website that actually takes your requirements into account. Ask how many 'style setters' the design includes. We always provide at least 3 professionally designed page style setters produced by designers with decades of experience in website, magazine and advertising layout. You need that kind of experience to ensure you have a site that is unique to your business - and gives you the opportunity to fine tune and change the design untill you're totally satisfied with the look and feel.

2. Ask if uploads are included in the price.
They should be. There's no extra cost involved in uploading images to a host server. It's usually an automated process that a piece of software takes care of.

3. Ask how much margin the web company is adding into the hosting cost.
Let's be honest. Basic hosting is around £30 a year for a microsite (which is all most Start-ups are looking for). Even if they add on a tenner for admin, the hosting shouldn't come to much more that £70 a year with VAT. If you're being charged extra, ask why.

4. Find out the cost price for your domain name.
Some web companies add an extra charge for registering your site name. Let's be clear. Domain registration costs from about £6 for a .co.uk domain name. Again, ask your web company to break down the cost of site registration between the cost of the domain and their administration fee.

5. Content managed sites (CMS) will cost a little more than basic html sites - but not massively. Check the difference in price.
A lot of web companies charge a fortune for allowing the client to change their own content. Wordpress, Joomla or Drupal templates can add additional cost to your basic web package, but they are based on templates so the developer is saving too. If you want a site you can manage yourself, get quotes from at least 3 different companies.

6. Find out whether basic SEO is included.
Don't pay extra for 'on page optimisation'. Basic SEO should be part of the package as it is with our websites. Making sure the h1, h2, titles, tags and text have the appropriate keywords in the right ratio isn't rocket science. Don't let your web company pretend it is - and don't let them charge you extra for it.

7. Search engine and directory registration SHOULD be free. Check it's included.
...because it doesn't cost the site developer anything more than 20 minutes of their time. OK that might be worth something to you if it saves you doing it yourself, but don't be fooled into thinking they're doing you a big favour. They're not.

8. Check how many pages are included in your microsite package.
If it's less than 5 (as we offer) you're going to struggle to get sufficient content for the reader to understand what you do - and for the search engines to take you seriously. Think about it - Home, Contact, About Us, Terms and Conditions, Site Map - those are just the basics and that's five pages right there. A number of web companies make their costs look low by specifying 3 or 4 pages in the all-in package price. Then they charge you extra for every additional page - your £250 site can end up costing you double. Just make sure your basic 'microsite' package includes everything you need to get your business started online.

It's hard enough for SMEs and Start-ups to survive their first year or two without having to avoid the pitfalls set by web companies who want their money more than their business. There are lots of fair and helpful web developers out there. There are also those that give the industry a bad name. My advice would be to shop around before you place your web design - and as with anything - check the details of what you're getting before you sign the deal.

The Duchess and I

2011-12-22T08:35:00.000-08:00

I was delighted to see that according to this morning's Sun, the Duchess of Cambridge and I have something in common. We both have five changes of outfit to contend with during the Christmas Day - although I suspect for different reasons....

6.00-9.00 I will be teaming my baggy boxers with a pair of stylish black ankle socks in pure nylon. I am likely to complete the ensemble with a shapeless grey towelling dressing gown, the ideal outfit for a morning fag and cup of tea.

9.00-11.30 A change of pace for the grand present opening as I divest myself of my leisure look and switch to more formal attire in a pair of ancient leggings from the house of adidas, complimented by a fetching fleece jogging top. The button-down style will be lightened with a pair of Homer Simpson novelty slippers.

11.30-5.30 The sartorial highlight of the day as I prepare to wow the household in my daring collection of baggy-arsed denim jeans and shapeless tee-shirt - possibly with a humorous connection. In the past, this silhouette has been most successful complimented by an apron bearing the legend 'screw the cooking, let's get pissed' - and my philosophy is, once you've found a fashion style that works for you stick with it. This classic shape will carry me through the main activities of the day; going to the pub, overcooking the sprouts, drunkenly laughing at the queen and generally entering the spirit of the day.

5.30-8.00 As eventide descends, it will be time for another fast change of outfit. Evening games will be undertaken in a collection of sparkling new knitwear from Her Majesty's Marks & Spencer and possibly Matalan - offset with a sprightly paper hat worn at a jaunty angle.

8.00-12.00 The day will climax in a cornucopia of revelry as the esteemed family and friends get stuck into the Bailey's and Stella. This will require a final slick change of attire as I swap the knitwear for 'that shirt you've been saving from the holidays'. This will be the impulse purchase from the summer, a brilliantly colourful affair complemented by images of parrots and palm trees. As night time turn into the early hours, the look will be completed by sodden socks from the quick 'conga' round the garden and festoons of silly string.

Ahh, how like the homelife of our own dear future queen...

Why free design isn't worth the money...

2011-12-20T06:03:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, I worked for printers who offered my services for free and then built the cost of my salary into the cost of the print.

Initially, a lot of customers were delighted - they thought they were getting something for nothing. Obviously, they weren't - they were just paying more for their printing than they needed to.

But worse than the sneaky hidden charges, was the quality of the design they were getting.

I just needed to produce something that, according to the owner of the company, 'looked professional'.

I didn't really care about producing a job that would get the client more business. My work was worth nothing, so I just designed something that 'did the job' - it got the client's message across - but it didn't make anyone want to use them.

The clients didn't really know much about design, so my unscrupulous printer boss just got me to reproduce the same basic design job over and over again - giving it a few tweaks and a new logo to 'ring the changes'. It was a fast way of working, so he could keep the cost of my time down - and bill some extra hours to the client - which he would make a big deal out of pretending he was 'absorbing' the cost of!

And because the design was a popular one, he could sell it to every client as 'professional and effective' - because, the last 20 customers had liked it, why shouldn't the next 20.

Sadly, the poor clients paid for their overpriced print and templates design time after time, thinking they were getting a bespoke service and achieving only a fraction of the results they should have. Because they thought they were getting a good deal, they just didn't realise what a bad one it was.

And that's why 12 years ago, I set up Davis Davis Design and Advertising. We don't offer free design because we want the businesses we work with to succeed, not just be fleeced. Instead we offer cost price print to our clients so they get the best possible design for their business and the lowest print cost. In the end the price works out the same - but the difference in results is what keeps our customers coming back.

Printers still offer 'free' design and still provide the same second rate service. But if you want to find out how much you can really save on your next print job, just drop us a line or give us a call on 01304 213008. In 2012, don't you owe it to your business to find out how well you could be doing?

Why every client can create their own solutions…

2011-11-03T04:33:00.000-07:00

"I'm not creative", is probably the most common phrase you'll hear in the design industry.

A lot of clients say it.

So, they don't get up on a Saturday morning with ideas on how to entertain the kids that day - the kids that they didn't create. They don't cook meals that require care and timing. They don't turn up the radio in the car, put their foot down a little more and imagine they're starring in a movie or ad. They don't doodle while they're on the phone. They don't get dressed - or even choose a new tie. They don't book holidays or look forward to Christmas morning or imagine playing at Wembley. They don't decorate their homes, plant roses by the gate or buy gifts for birthdays. Of course, they do.

No one has yet been born that has no creativity in their soul. And a good designer will work with their client's innate creativity -no matter how latent - to reveal answers they can both love.

Jane Moore Page Highlights

2011-11-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

Blah blah....family is backbone.....blah blah...hardworking mums....blah blah....the bloke....blah blah.......kids need tough love..... blah blah...common sense....blah blah....housework juggling....blah blah...single parents.....blah blah....lived in a cupboard....blah blah...botox....blah blah....real world....blah blah....benefits scroungers....blah blah....ad nauseum

Dosh Stone Kidnap

2011-06-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

Headline: £9 Million Joss Stone in Kidnap Shocker

The real shock is how the Deep South Devon dipstick amassed nine million quid. Friends in high places? (pun intended).

Does no one else change their mind?

2011-06-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

I find today's imperative to blog, post, comment, cast and have an opinion about absolutely everything wearying at least and stressful at worst. It seems that not an event can go by in the news or a view expressed in the media without their being a requirement to add something intelligent and forthright to the debate.

I have a problem with this (as no doubt regular readers of this blog have discovered).

Firstly, I'm aware that I have little original intelligence with which to add anything of value to the debate.

But more pertinently, I tend to change my mind a lot.

Today, I might think Ryan Giggs is an odious little man for cheating on his missus. Tomorrow I might reconsider - you can't really blame him because she does look like she could start a fight in a one man tent.

Today, I might think Rowan William has a point because no one voted for the coalition. Therefore they don't have a mandate to impose loads of draconian legislation. Tomorrow, I might think he's a weirdy god-botherer in a gold lame dress whose never done a proper day's work in his life and doesn't really have any right to pontificate on what the rest of us hard working tax payers should expect from our government.

Today, I might think man bags are a good thing.

Tomorrow, I might not.

And there's the nub. I'm inconsistent. If I blog an opinion today might have changed it completely by tomorrow. I'm transitory, open-minded, non-partisan, lily livered, flexible, uncommitted and vague.

But what concerns me more is the thought that everyone else on the internet is so sure of their opinions that no matter what new evidence comes to light they will never change their stand point. I'd love to have that kind of confidence. But surely the ability to adapt to our conditions is what sets us apart from the animals - and politicians. Or maybe I'm wrong.

So, who'd like to join me in creating a Society for the Undecided? A vehicle for those who not only pull their punches but aren't really sure about the 'whole punchy/throwy thing anyway' to meet and celebrate our indifference. A place where we can have tepid debates - well not even debates really - more sort of friendly discussions - about the major issues of the day and how hesitant we are about them. Good idea?...Yes?...No?...I'll put you down as a maybe, then.

Pippa Middleton and David Beckham. Breaking a few more super injunctions

2011-05-12T00:24:00.000-07:00

Apologies to all my eight followers on the recent lack of blogs - pressure of work and all that you know.

Anyway, following the revelations regarding Jemima Khan and Jeremy Clarkson, I though now would be an apposite time to publish some of my own super injunction busting scoops...

First, there's the ongoing triste between fame obsessed space cadet Peaches Geldoff and wheelie based boffin Professor Stephen Hawking. They've managed to keep it a secret for months put were last week photographed kissing behind the bins at Currys. Then there's hirsute Welsh football drone Robbie Savage and his on/off affair with chinny American actress spinster Jennifer Anniston. They met on the set of her last rom-com disaster where Robbie was auditioning for the part of '2nd pampered Afghan Hound' and, allegedly, haven't been able to keep their hands off each other since.
Next we have the secret relationship between green fingered talk show dross-smith Alan Titchmarsh and scrawny pop has-been Madonna who likes him to pop around at least once a week to 'prune her bigonias'. Then there's a rash of lesser known torrid clinches that have evaded the British press: Erudite twitterer Stephen Fry and OWIE airhead Amy Childes, Brummy misery Adrian Chiles and Bumptious pop starlet Beyonce Knowles, 70's Spurs goal machine Cyril Knowles and Porcine temptress Peppa Pig...I could go on. But I'm bored with making up unlikely couplings now. Still if you've got some you'd like to add, please comment. It's all good for the search engines.

The Surbiton Surveyors' Centre Parcs Super Dry Epidemic

2011-04-15T23:30:00.000-07:00

Elveden Centre Parcs. April 2011...

The infection started in the sports hall and soon spread to the restaurants and bars. Initially we just noticed the odd isolated case but before long it was obvious whole families had succumbed. The disease seemed to be more prevalent in the young but it quickly became apparent that no one was safe. Slightly trendy chartered accountants, 'still with it' fleet managers, 'down with the kids' dads and middle-class miwlf mums were all showing the signs.

The Super Dry epidemic was unstoppable.

Everywhere we turned, children, teenagers and old enough to know better parents could be seen displaying the symptoms. In the children it wasn't so tragic. The oversized, over worn check shirts were almost cute, the strange garage signage and references to Tokyo had a playfulness that made the underlying sickness bearable, But in the adults, the infection was hideous to behold. The washed out grey pigmentation, frayed seams and pink stripes all pointed to the unmistakable truth that their brains had been infected by virulent 'branding' and a collective 'lack of imagination. The fact that this was costing them an arm and a leg was secondary to the underlying sadness that whatever celebrities wore three years ago, the middle classes will wear today. And that's the real sadness. An abundance of money coupled with a lack of ideas will always mark them as followers - the cannon fodder of the manipulative marketing department.

However, as with the FCUK pandemic of a decade ago this will also soon pass. In fact the signs of a new and more powerful logo madness are already taking hold. People are already showing the initial symptoms of the ubiquitous Hollister strain. Give it a couple of years...

Hugh Grant: Actor, Charmer, Town Planner...

2011-04-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Hugh Grant for pointing out the obvious in this week's Dover Express. Hugh described The Gateway on the seafront as, "that monstrous council block casting its shadow over the town and blocking the sea view". He went on to add, "most towns have bypasses, Dover has built a road to have lorries thundering through the middle. It must be the worst piece of town planning I have ever seen... you can drive right through Dover without knowing there is actually quite a nice beach the other side."

The disconnect between Dover and its sea front has always been a major drawback to any development or investment plans, and the fact that The Gateway further separates the town from its greatest asset is testament to a series of appalling planning decisions made by successive Dover Town Councils. Not just over decades - but through the centuries.

Why could the dual carriage way not have been sent underground to allow residents unfettered access to their beach? Why was it considered a brilliant idea in the 50's to build a block of 'luxury' flats that looked out of date the moment they were completed? This was just abject greed by the Council, looking to grab development money by flogging-off something that didn't belong to them - namely the stunning views of the channel. No doubt the people who made these decisions are all forgotten in their graves by now - but their legacy of stupidity lingers on.

So, I'm with Hugh. Let's bulldoze The Gateway... and while we've got the earth movers out, let's knock down Burlington House at the same time.

This Week: Dog Walking Live

2011-04-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

This Week: Lambing Live
"...Join Kate Humble as she follows the Marston family in their picturesque Cumbrian farm during the lambing season..." BBC2 9.00

Next Week: Ant Watch
"...Join Bill Oddie as he follows Nigel Igglestone in his mess of a bedroom with his jam jar full of ants..." BBC2 9.00

Week After: Pigeon Watch
"...Join Big Dave as he chases pigeons up and down the alleyway outside of the Crown and Sceptre after a night on the Stella..." BBC2 9.00

Week After: Cats Live
"...Join Mrs Minton as she watches the antics of a ginger tabby and a one eyed black Persian as they fight over the remains of a KFC next to the bins..." BBC2 9.00

Ad Infinitum: Cheap Telly
"...Join our TV execs as they trawl the UK looking for cheap ways to exploit natural animal events to fill the prime time schedules rather than making programmes themselves..." BBC2 9.00

Don't blog when you're angry...

2011-04-05T10:49:00.000-07:00

...about the nursery gestapo charging you £130 for your kids' fees when they're on holiday even when you told them weeks ago that you were going on holiday and could they please just change the days. And no, they couldn't do that. That would be too bloody helpful and wouldn't make them enough money which is all they're bloody interested in - much more so than the education, happiness or welfare of my children...
...about greedy universities charging everyone the maximum fees or there abouts even the most rubbish ones who shouldn't be allowed to charge anyone for anything - yes, you South Bank University, who think it justifiable to charge kids (or more accurately parents) £8,500 per year for a crappy second rate education when Oxbridge are charging £9,000. The fact that the government lied to us blatantly saying that the average would be £7,500 - except nobody's charging that - they're all charging the full whack because THEY BLOODY WELL CAN AND THE GOVERNMENT CAN'T DO A BLOODY THING ABOUT IT!
...about fatuous middle class MPs claiming that other fatuous middle class students shouldn't get the same leg up they got because now they're all right on and down with the poor, aren't they Nick Clegg????!!!
...about the fact that said middle class MPs know sod all about poor families where the kids aren't put off by £9,000 of uni fees because £9,000 isn't even a sum that registers in their consciousness. £9,000 is fantasy money when you live with a family that's trying to save up £6 for a packet of fags, pay the debt collector 30 quid this month, putting off the rent for another week, avoiding the bloke in the corner shop because they still owe him £1.50 for the lollies the little-uns wanted last week and need a tenner to top up the mobile and the electricity key. So don't worry about the £9K Nick. You and Dave put the kibosh on social mobility the moment you killed off the Educational Mobility Allowance. Relax. Poor kids ain't going anywhere.

Don't blog when you're angry because it ruins you punctuation.

If the housing cap fits...

2011-04-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

According to the Standard, "A £400 housing benefit cap also comes into effect today, sparking fears that thousands in Central London could be forced to move to the suburbs.
But Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said "some people could claim more than £100,000 a year to live in large houses in expensive areas. It's unacceptable."

Before adding; "Only MPs should be able to claim benefits to live in large houses in expensive areas."

...And the Dumb-Ass quote of the day goes to...ABTA

2011-03-29T23:32:00.000-07:00

Responding to the point that holiday companies are profiteering from parents by hiking prices in the school holidays, a spokesperson for ABTA said, "Travel companies want to incentivise people to travel out of peak times, so discount prices."

The context of the story is that more parents are running the risk of fines and damaging their kids' education by taking holidays during term when prices are 25% lower. 13% of us did it last year. So, to summarise, according to ABTA, the holiday companies aren't inflating the prices in the school holidays - those are the normal prices. It's the rest of the year that's being discounted. Therefore, the only people who can benefit from the 'incentives' offered by the holiday company are people that don't have kids of school age.

ABTA's correct reply to Christine Blower of the National Union of Teachers comment that,"it's unreasonable for travel firms to cash in by hiking costs in the school holidays" is 'Yes, it is but we're going to do it anyway, hahahahahahahahahaha!"

In any other industry, offering incentives to people to break the law is a criminal offences known as 'bribery'.

24 in a nutshell

2011-03-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

Chloe will pull her 'I want pudding' face and furrow her brow.

A nuclear bomb will go off in a desert

An international terrorist will speak in a ham Arab accent about "ze newchleear matearalz"

Jack will 'be forced' to torture somebody.

The torture will involve some shouting and looking menacing before the hardened killer gives in under his threatening gaze.

Someone at CTU will open a socket.

Someone else will discover something important in a fragment of data.

KIm will get herself kidnapped.

There will be a shoot out in a multistorey car park

Jack will have a heart seizure.

All cell phones will always receive a signal at the crucial moment.

All computers will work perfectly.

Jack will get shot.

Some peripheral character will lose their memory.

The president will be either a wise saint or an evil monster.

Someone will contract a killer disease and have a limited time to find the antidote.

Jack will be stabbed.

Tony Almeida will turn up.

Someone will mention Teri and everyone will go quiet.

The president will distrust Jack. And then be eternally grateful to him.

No one will go for a wee. Obviously.

And an hour will be formed of 43 minutes.

Please feel free to add your own...

Born Anxious

2011-03-25T01:44:00.000-07:00

Some people never seem to have a care in the world. They skip through life happy in the knowledge that things will turn out alright. Worrying is a waste of time. "Worrying never changes anything."

I was born worried. Anxiety is my default setting. I know it will shorten my life. I know it will cost me sleep. But it's not a life choice. Anxiety is genetic. You're either born a worrier or you're not. And contrary to what the unworried say, it can change things. Fretting over a problem can provide insights and ideas. It can give you the nervous energy to find solutions. Sure, I'd rather relax and take it as it comes. But there are compensations to being born anxious.

Welcome to Comic Relief's National Guilt Day

2011-03-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

How much can I afford to give? Well, if we all lived on nettle soup for a year, I could probably make it £20,000. But I don't want to live on soup. But think of the starving Africans. They'd be glad of a bowl of nettle soup - I'm a horrible selfish person. On the other hand, I promised the kids Moshie Monster cards this weekend. I could tell them to give up their cards for the starving Africans. Then I'd feel like a bad dad as well as a horrible person. That's what I love about national charity days; they manage to unite the country by making us all feel equally guilty about not doing enough. Sod it, make it a tenner.

The myth of customer service

2011-03-17T00:52:00.000-07:00

"If you raise your voice to me, I will terminate the call." Customer service today in the UK is simply pathetic. The operators aren't there to provide a service. They're there to stonewall, buck pass and add to the frustration the customer already feels because the service or product they are paying for has failed to provide that service, and now the customer service person who is meant to deal with the problem isn't providing that service either. In desperation, you demand 'Well, what the hell am I paying for then?' And the answer, rather than the truthful, 'for us to rip you off and keep ripping you off until you go away or admit defeat' is 'if you raise your voice... etc etc.'
The companies claim that they have to take this tone because people now are so rude and demanding. What they don't mention is the fact that people used to be more polite because they believed the company they were dealing with was intrinsically honest and committed to providing the service they were paid for. Can we say that about many of the companies we deal with today? Do we feel they are transparent and up front in all their communications. Or have the marketing department got involved and added just a little bit of 'spin', just enough double speak to muddy the waters? And do we honestly believe that the companies we deal with today are endeavouring to give us a level of service that will leave a warm, fuzzy glow inside? Or are they passing off the bare minimum as a premium product? Are you getting the broadband speed you paid for? Does the network coverage feel like the 99% claimed by the phone company? Is the British Embassy in Tokyo helping UK citizens get home or has it buggered off in a wanton and cowardly act of self preservation?
We're not getting what we were promised. And we're not getting customer service when we complain about it. Is it any wonder we raise the decibel level? So the next time the customer disservice rep threatens to terminate the call, try answering with... "and if you terminate the call, I'll hunt you down like a dog, make you watch 50's British Ealing films until you talk like Joyce Grenfall, and force you to repeat the phrase 'I'll sort it out immediately for you, Sir/Madam' until you develop a 1000 yard stare akin to Malcolm McDowell in a Clockwork Orange."

Helicopter wins goldfish

2011-03-17T00:26:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that's guaranteed to make you think a situation is out of control, it's the sight of helicopters carrying giant bags of water. Fukushima... and run for the hills.

Budget Betting

2011-03-16T13:06:00.000-07:00

Budget day next Wednesday and George Osborne has been touting his budget for growth for the last couple of months. Here's the betting on just how innovative it's going to be: Revising some old Thatcherite dogma like Enterprise Zones 5/2 on. Cutting corporation tax for small business by 25%, 50/1. Tinkering with a load of minuscule benefits that no one gets much out of, evens. Claiming he's been either 'progressive', 'bold' and/or 'responsive to the needs of industry' 11/10 on. In the words of Roger Daltery, 'Meet the new boss, same as the old boss...'

Haunted Dover

2011-03-12T23:49:00.000-08:00

Just finished reading Lorraine Sencicle's book 'Haunted Dover'. Apparently, the only place in Dover that isn't haunted is my sock drawer.

http://www.davisdavis.co.uk

Damn you, iPhone...

2011-03-10T23:53:00.000-08:00

Forget all the video calling and movie editing on the iPhone. The great feature is the fact that you can connect it to your bluetooth keyboard with just a click. Which means you can sit on the train and type just like normal to the screen. Therefore, any typos and spelling mistakes you find in my blogs from now on can't be blamed on the twitch on screen keyboard and predictive text. It's all my own work.

A typical Wednesday in adland

2011-03-09T11:30:00.000-08:00

Client agency wanted some ideas for a new campaign today, so spent it working with my favourite art director, The Man. Put together 3 sale-able ideas and presented them to the creative director who made all the right noises, e.g. 'like this...', 'that's a big concept..., 'I can see that working...etc'. Then presented us with a load of ideas of his own he wanted us to think about. Not sure whether to feel pleased or deflated - especially as one of his ideas is pretty good. Still one of ours was a belter too so it's 1-1 going into half time.

Other clients cheekily asking for more work that they haven't scheduled in or have just 'mentioned in passing'. As always, we'll do what we can. Good job we're off the booze at the moment or I might think I was getting no fun out of life. I KNOW I'm getting no fun out of life.

South Eastern's Recall Challenged Ticket Inspector

2011-03-09T00:03:00.000-08:00

You've got to admire the sheer ineptitude of South Eastern Railways. Today we have a ticket inspector who seems to only recently have applied for UK residency from, I'd guess, Kenya. His accent is heavy and he has the officious air of someone who has acquired a uniform and a hat but no real authority. Unfortunately, he appears to lack one of the key characteristics of a good ticket inspector. A strong memory. He's already asked most of the people in the carriage to show their tickets for a second time - some for a third. At this rate we might as well wear our season passes around our necks like minor entourage members at a Lady Ga Ga concert.

Words of Wisdom from Seth

2010-11-26T03:38:00.000-08:00

Anyone who follows our blogs regularly knows we are advocates of the great Seth Godin. He's not always right but he's always thought provoking and I particularly liked his post to day...

"When you criticize my choices...

I'm less likely to trust your judgment, because you just challenged mine.

I was the victim of a business to business sales call. After the introductions, the CEO of the company pitching me started badmouthing a firm I've worked with. I had just finished talking about how much I liked working with them and how I respected what they were trying to do.

As she and a few other people chimed in with their take on how misguided, lousy and doomed this company was, I couldn't help but notice myself thinking less of my hosts. The only other choice I had was to think less of me... and it was easier and more fun to think less of them instead.

Far more effective, I think, to congratulate the judgment of your prospect based on the information they had at the time, or the goals they had at the time or the resources they had at the time. In fact, it's almost certainly true that given the information, goals and resources they had when they made the decision, they did exactly the right thing.

Then, because things change, it's totally okay to make a new decision based on new information, goals and resources.

Tell me about how things changed. Don't tell me I was an idiot."

You can read this and lots of other Seth posts on Seth's Blog

54 floors up - only 33 to go...

2010-10-29T08:39:00.000-07:00

"Firmly based on the historic form of London's masts and spires.."

I'm in London Bridge most days and simply have to admire the progress of The Shard. An amazing edifice that already dwarfs the tower of Guy's Hospital just a few metres away. I don't know what motivates architects to design steeper and steeper skyscrapers, whether it's an ego thing, a legacy thing or a penis envy thing - but this is a beautiful thing. Or will be. The glass is already on the lower floors giving some idea of just how fragile and delicately balanced the whole building will appear. What a shame I'll never get to go up in it. Vertigo and towering monuments never work well together.

Words of encouragement for the terminally dull...

2010-10-28T03:24:00.000-07:00

Just found this from Sonia Simone on her blog 'How to Beat Invisible Content Syndrome', that just goes to show even in the Bloggersphere, the occasional truth shines out...

Figure out what you’re so scared of

Most boring people have a really scary story they could tell.

If you’re writing and writing and you can’t capture attention, the awful truth is that your content is probably boring. But that’s not the last word on the subject.

No toddler is boring. Maddening, annoying, headache-inducing, sure. But they’re not boring. Humans just aren’t wired to be boring.

You used to be complicated and fascinating. Something made you boring.

Somewhere along the line, you got punished for being interesting. You got ridiculed for being yourself. You got your hands slapped for coloring outside the lines, and you promised yourself you wouldn’t expose yourself to that again.

You might even have had something really heartbreaking happen. Something that stole your spark before you ever really got to share it.

Oprah, if she had never found the courage to tell her harrowing story of triumph over crushing adversity, would have been another Sally Jessy Raphael. A competent performer. A hard worker. Pretty successful.

But not a game-changer. Not a billionaire.

If you’re boring, it’s because you’re scared and you’re hiding your best stuff. Getting un-scared is the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but since you need to do it anyway in order to have a great life, you might as well get started now.

Welcome to Britain

2010-10-28T02:16:00.000-07:00

Ports by their nature are generally not the most attractive of places. They're a gateway - you're either going to or coming back from some place and they are just a conduit on your journey. But there's no reason they have to be so dreary.

Take Gatwick, for instance. Yes, it's just a conduit - same as Dover - but the routes to and from it are some of the most high profile advertising spaces in the UK. Imagine how many first impressions of the UK are made on that inaugural journey from Gatwick to London - by road or Gatwick Express. The ads talk about the wealth (high price perfumery and cosmetics), technological advances (phone companies and iPads) and lifestyle choices (theatre, magazine and movie) of the host nation. It is an opportunity to set the tone of the nation, to welcome the visitor. And what do we do with this opportunity in Dover? Once the traveller leaves the confines of the port, the town of Dover sets their expectations with a motley array or boarded up premises, run down, grey social housing, ancient 48 sheet posters - peeling and faded, derelict building sites, a vast, dung brown monstrosity of a tower block, abandoned amusement arcades and roadworks. It surprising any of them make it further than the Esso station before making a u-turn and heading back for the boat.

Of course, the argument the Port Authority would make is that the A2 takes visitors straight from the town so their first impression of the UK is the rolling fields of Kent. And much as I enjoy the majesty of nature, I can't help feeling we're all missing a trick here.

Standard Bigs Up Dover

2010-07-31T06:19:00.000-07:00

Excellent feature in today's Evening Standard. All about Farthingloe Village and the Western Heights development. What a shame it takes a London newspaper to promote the benefits of the town when our own papers seem blind to the benefits.

Are we serious about tourism in Dover? Part 1.

2010-07-13T03:59:00.000-07:00

As I sail into Dover aboard my cruise ship, I'm greeted by the historic white cliffs - an iconic landmark recognised the world over. "So", I say to myself in French or German or Chinese or American English, "this is my first experience of the UK."

We dock at the port and I decide to forego the usual tourist trips to London or Canterbury. Instead, I decide to stay close to port and explore the attractions of this world famous coastal town, one of the busiest intercontinental transport hubs in Europe.

I stroll down the gang plank on this glorious summer's day, so evocative of all those wonderful 50s WWII films featuring Kenneth Moore or John Mills.

So where to start? The 12th century castle perhaps.

Well, I can see it up there on the hill but I don't really know how to get there. Do I just start walking? Is there a bus? Where's the tourist centre, they'll be able to tell me...... Hmm, where is the tourist centre? I'm standing here by this roundabout watching the articulated lorries hammering by but I'm not sure how to get into the town and there are no obvious signs in any language I understand. In fact, there's nothing in any language except English!

I'll just start walking then.

After 10 minutes of strolling towards the town, I'm on a dual carriageway with nothing that looks like a town centre in any direction. I try to ask directions but am greeted by a large man with a huge stomach, tatoos and an aggressive looking dog shouting 'SPEAK FU**ING ENGLISH' in my face (the big ugly man, not the aggressive dog). I smile politely and carry on.

Eventually, through luck I find myself in what might be the town centre. I can't be sure as most of it appears to be closed. Many of the shops are empty, and the restaurants have a few defeated looking people in them but none of the menus are in any other language but english. Not even a token effort to produce a French or German version. There is however, an enormous TV screen showing children's programs (but alas, not directions to the council). I'm quite hungry and thirsty but the cafes and pubs don't look like they want to cater for tourists and I can't understand any of the notices anyway. And I still haven't found the tourist office. ..

To be continued

Why you should never ask designers for favours

2010-07-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Sam and Simon who sent us this link. Take a look if you're not too bothered about cats... or designers. http://m.jezebel.com/5582562/clueless-secretary-makes-for-hilarious-office-email-thread

The Perils of People Per Hour...

2010-07-08T04:10:00.000-07:00

Had to laugh when we saw this post on People Per Hour

which got this query...

Wonder how much the guy running the agency is charging his clients for copy?

OK, who's for a game of table football?

2010-07-08T03:09:00.000-07:00

Quiet week in the studio now that our Cheshire travel agents' newsletter is off to print. Product emailer for our little home shopping company has winged its way out over the ether and we're checking response. So far, enough openers and click thrus to make it worthwhile but people just aren't buying. Is it a sign of the times?
Currently putting together the new CD cover for Unforgiven - our newly adopted favourite Dover based band. Short list of about 4 ideas and S is working up tracklists for presentation. It's not a big payer but it's fun to do so we're happy. Apart from that, its working up new ideas to grow some business.
NB. Found awesome clip for Iron Man 2 v ACDC filmed at Rochester Castle in Kent. If you haven't seen it, it's worth a peek: http://www.trendhunter.com/youtube/gurzz1evpn4

Right Back Missing. Last seen somewhere near Liverpool.

2010-06-29T03:55:00.000-07:00

We have only two words to say about England's capitulation to The Bosch; Glen Johnson.
Where was he?
We distinctly remember he was on the team sheet but perhaps he got lost on his way to the pitch. Wherever he was, he definitely wasn't playing right back on Sunday afternoon. Because whenever the Germans felt like having a foray towards goal they decided that Ashley Cole might put up some kind of resistance, where as over on the over side of the pitch they could canter down the line unimpeded. In fact, for the last goal it was left to Gareth Barry to take the wing back's duties - with predictably disastrous results.
Of course, Johnson was there. He was playing his usual game of 'Hollywood Defender' that involves him hanging around the opponent's 18 yard area in the hope of getting his name on the scoresheet... and then hoping someone will do his job for him when we lose the ball. Capello's made a lot of mistakes, taking Johnson is probably the one that has cost us the most.

Note to GJ: If you want to to know what a real right wing back looks like, get a copy of the Brazil v Chile game and watch Maicon for 90 minutes. He gets forward too - but he gets back again (that's the bit you need to remember). Oh well, onto the Euros with Harry in charge!

Dismal Dover

2010-06-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

If you were asked to invent the worst seaside town you could think of, it would be difficult to come up with anything more dismal than Dover.

A town where almost the entire sea front is obscured by one of the ugliest blocks of post war flats outside of Soviet Russia. A seaside town devoid of any kind of seaside attraction; no foodstalls, no amusements, no excitement, no where to sip a cool evening beverage and admire the views of the ferries coming and going. A no where town. No where near a resort.

Dover is a town mired in inertia, where enterprise is thwarted, where local grandees squabble over the meagre pickings and the harbour board excuse their destruction of the character of the town by citing the fact they are the biggest employer. "We create all the work, so we can ruin the place. Tough".
In short, Dover is a hole. The sea front is an array of decrepit, derelict buildings, overshadowed by that hideous masterpiece of modern architecture, Burlington House. A grand name for a kack brown, corrugated and unappealing monstrosity. An empty shell of a building kept standing by the crop of anntenae that support it (rather than the other way around) because in a town as poor as Dover the rental income from the aerials actually generates sufficient income to warrant its ongoing existence. Dover, the only town where an empty building creates more cash than its surrounding environment.
But Burlington House is just one of the many issues faced by this ailing area. Low employment, petty crime, an aging population, poverty, chaotic town planning and a backward looking mentality that still regards WWII as the heyday.
So is all hope lost?
Not necessarily. Dover needs imagination, vitality and a commitment to quality that will raise the aspirations of its people and businesses. Dover should stop thinking of itself as the historic last staging post of the UK but the modern gateway to the continent. If Dover is always going to be a port, let's invest in making it a magnificent portal. It has a unique position; it is both a welcome home and exciting launchpad - two genuine emotional connections that resonate with today's constantly moving population. Let's start capitalising on that distinction. Let's get Dover Council, it's business community, it's people, it's stakeholders, and Charlie Elphicke (its MP) working together to make this unique location more than just a tired thoroughfare. Let's champion Dover as a destination in it's own right. One that give visitors a better first impression than derelict buildings, empty hotels and the stench of decay.